Unleash the hugmonsters...

I ain't sayin she's a gold digger...

2006-01-20T12:53:00.000-08:00

I have just watched an episode of The Flavor of Love... and the flavor is sweet! Its like the Bachelor only the Bachelor is Flava Flav and instead of women the contestants are whores! What a twist! I was on the edge of my seat as he passed out the giant clock medallions (signifying that the whore gets to stay) to NewYork and Hoopz and Red Oyster (I swear those are really their names, I couldn't make up Red Oyster). As every girl recieved a clock, Flav asked them the eternal question: "Do you know what time it is?" Now I don't really know why he asks them this, but it was INTENSE! WHEW! I need a nap now!

Around the World in 80 Days: Historical Fact? Or Historical FUN!?

2005-11-25T11:07:00.001-08:00

I don't actually think the movie was true but what a great headline huh? So alot of holiday time movies are coming out, and I haven't seen one of them. So here's my uniformed opinion: If Walk the Line and Harry Potter IV had a baby it would be a secoond slightly smaller, slightly less powerful God. Also, Rent is the moving story of incredibly poor people with $1000 out fits and perfectly done hair. Thank you and good night.

40 Year old Virgin- Too Close to Home for Some

2005-11-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

There is a benefit to living in Norman OK, and that it the Dollar Theatre, specifically 50 cent tuesday. Every tuesday the rapper comes into town and delivers "gats" and "nines" and "boomy boom sticks" (my own slang, trying to get it started ghetto represent) to all the little orphan children, who then go out in the streets and rap to their heart's content! Tis a glorious day celebrated by the dollar theatre slashing its prices to only fifty american pennies and usually me and my friends skip class... because we hate school. We recently enjoyed the fine film "The 40 year Old Virgin". It wasn't what I would call "excellent" but it had its scenes. The scene where The Virgin tries to figure out condoms? PRICELESS! And the ending sequence makes the 50 cent price WELL worth it.

And I have to say, I am horny for the Get Smart movie starring Steve Carell...yeah that's right...HORNY FOR IT! As long as there is a kick ass Agent 99...suggestions?

New post

2005-08-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

What would you think of a Zelda movie starring Elijah Wood? Who would play Gannon? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Zombi Humor

2005-08-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

How does this happen? I watched the first in the epic series yesterday, and one of the main plot points I picked up on was Bernie is...dead... So basically, two douches kidnap a dead guy to have fun. Thats called grave robbing. Is this a behavior we should be encouraging? Whats the justification for why he's not...buried yet? Is Bernie on display in the vatican for 365 days? And is he not starting to rot? I don't see how these guys can justify to themselves this behavior.

"Hey Larry!"
"Yeah Richard?"
"Want to take advantage of that corpse some more?"
"You mean abuse his body, steal his stuff, and generally show disrespect for the dead?"
"Yes I do!"
"But why would we do that?"
"For the money!"
"Oh ok! Lets do it!"

Or I imagine it going something like that.

Disney fame machine 50 years young and running!

2005-08-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

I have seen ALOT of super hero movies, from Ultraman to Condorman. Today I had the pleasure to see Sky High for free. Let me tell you, it was worth every cent. Excitement? Adventure? Kurt Russel? Check, check, and Double Check!!!

I actually had a similar idea to this not 6 months ago, before I ever heard about this movie. It was going to be about a superhero summer camp. All this kids in this camp have super powers, but here's the thing: The movie has nothing to do with the fact that they have powers. Its just about them and they HAPPEN to have powers. Then, at the end of the summer they play the fat kids camp from across the lake and use their super powers to embarass them. If possible, I intended to get all the original cast members from the movie Heavyweights to play the fat kids...or maybe the heros.
Well, Sky High contains no epic battle between the forces of good and the forces of obesity, but I still give it a thumbs up. Its got enough jokes for older kids and still keeps the innocence for the younger ones. I would probably go see it again for free.

I will say though, I didn't like this sequel as much as the original:

How high? Sky high!

Spirit: Stallion of the HORRIFYING!!!!

2005-08-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

Hey America! You're an idiot!

Ok that was a little harsh...hugs? Everything ok?

Do you do ANY research into what movie you're about to see? No, don't answer, I am making a point. Let me relate to you three parables about the peoples.

On the opening night of Devil's Rejects we were slammed. This middle aged couple came out and demanded a refund. Why? Because it was religiously offensive...hmmm...now let me see if I get this straight. They came to see a movie called Devil's Rejects directed boy Rob Zombie, and didn't expect it to be offensive? To quote the lady, "They were against Jesus!"

There was the couple who was looking at the posters. The woman says "Hmmm plan your escape...we could see that movie. I have never seen Plan Your Escape." That is of course, the tagline for The Island. Stupid stupid people.

Ok so here's my personal favorite.
We do free kids shows every Tuesday morning. This week we were showing Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. Yeah, it's that animated movie about the horse. Kid friendly? Oh how foolish we were!
There we were, thinking it was just a normal day. Then this woman comes out and demands to know "what movie" she was watching. "Spirit" we replied innoncently. Little did we know the debauchery going on in theatre number 7! A half an hour later she cam out again and informed us (for those with weak stomachs stop reading now) there was a horse DYING in that cartoon! She demanded to know how we could dare show that movie. Look at this second screen shot I found:

So the moral of the story is: Don't trust people, they'll only hurt you.

Stick to your guns cowboy!

2005-07-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

"Ya know for a quarter more you can make that a large!"

-Satan

Ok I like talking about movies. Movie stars are fun and upcoming projects are nice. However, we need to look at the foundation of show business.

Me:
Oh golly! Just look at me! Fresh faced and bright eyed, I can't be more than 18 in that picture (my research department just told me I was 4 in that picture). Who could have guessed that at the young age of 21 I would have already sacrificed my soul for capitalsim.

I hate blogs about the actual writers, so I promise you I will wrap this around to a point.

I work at a theatre...
That theatre in fact. I am the lowest rung of the movie industry. I get paid minimum wage and only 25 hours a week. I have worked there two months and I am quitting August 10th. They are wonderful employers...BUT I only plan to work there two more weeks so its time to spill all the secrets I have learned working there.

Secret #1: Most employees hate customers. I don't think this is limited to just movie workers though, but any job in which people DEMAND goobers of you teaches you too hate people.

Secret #2: If you are judging the employees, then they are judging you. This is especially true if you are an ugly guy on a date with a hot girl or vice versa.

Secret #3: Just because a large is only a quarter more doesn't mean you NEED A LARGE! If you only wanted a medium GET A MEDIUM! I don't get comission! I get payed the same amount no matter what you buy or how many of you there are.

Secret #4: You only need one or two napkins, especially if you only buy a coke. I don't know why this is a secret but I shouldn't have to refill our TEN napkin holders four times a day.

Secret#5: You will get your drink alot faster if you give me a little more than "I want a pop"...we have three sizes and 10 flavors...narrow it down a bit.

Secret #6: Concessions are expensive. I am sorry grandpa...I wish m&ms still cost a shiny hay penny like they did at Jim's Cornerstore, but its not nineteen-aught-nine anymore. When buying concessions you are are not just buying sugar coated nuts, you are paying for the experience of going to a movie theatre and being served and all that that entails.

Secret #7: Ushers rarely check theatres. They only do it twice a movie. So you wanna mess around with your lady friend? Be my guest...but clean up afterwards for God's sake!

Secret #8: We accept tips. We love tips and we will love you. I would kill a man for a customer who tips me a buck. I make minimum wage, I will marry you for a 10 no questions asked.

Secret #9: It takes very little to make us hate you. Do you want friendly happy service? Ok heres a list of do's and don'ts.

Do's:
Be curteous
Have your order ready when you get up to the counter
Smile at us (its very small but very nice)
Speak up
Be flexible, sometimes we are out of stuff

Don'ts!:
Hold your money out at me while I make things, I am not your cabana boy
Mumble
Look at me like I am an idiot when I ask if you want butter
Change your mind half way through the order
Argue with your child/girlfriend/boyfriend/parents (see secret 11)
Comment on how expensive everything is (see secret #6)
Stand at an empty register and expect us to JUMP to serve you
Make huffy noises so I know how late you are

Secret #10: We publish movie times for a reason. If you show up 30 seconds before your movie starts and you want to buy concessions, you're going to be late.

Secret #11: Ok now this is perhaps the biggest secret of all...lean in real close...I DON'T CARE! I don't care if your theatre is too warm, I don't care if your popcorn is too salty, I don't care if you are late for your movie, I don't care if you want goobers but your kid wants junior mints! I am paid enough to make your popcorn and hand it to you. If you want anything else then you are gonna have to start tipping (see secret #8)

Ok its that simple. No we don't do nasty things to your food or anything, but if you aren't curteous you will go to hell. Its in the bible! Do unto others? And Jesus has some parable about the man who worked register when Wedding Crashers opened.

Oh Terry Camilleri, you are most excellent...

2005-07-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

Oh proud Napoleon (as played by Terry Camilleri), so noble as you ride "le waterslides". But then I wonder...where are you now Terry Camilleri?

To know where he has gone, we must understand how he began. He was born in Malta in 1949. Ok well thats all I know about his humble beginnings so lets go to where he is now.

You may have seen Terry in the hit film Gigli as "Man in Dryer" which earned him a Golden Globe nomination, but sadly was passed over by the Academy.

In the surprise hit Paris, he portrayed the moody, dark hero Poker Player #5. The movie takes you on a slightly erotic, wholly exciting trip through the mind of Poker Player #5. Bet? Fold? Only Jesus knows for sure.

Ok but seriously, who can forget The Truman Show? Ok now who can forget Man in bathtub from The Truman Show? Huh anybody? Come on! He's sittin in the tub, watchin the show!?

Well those are the funniest ones I could find. He's done some other stuff, but I swear most of them are "booking agent" or "delivery man". He peaked with Bill and ted's Excellent Adventure...what a way to go.

San Dimas High School football rules!

For more information visit www.filmint.nu/netonly/eng/banalityassaviour.htm or your local library!

Suuuuper Duuuuuuuper

2005-07-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

Well, my sources tell me that Ewan McGregor has signed to play Hal Jordan in the upcoming green lantern movie. In honor of this news, I have taken the time to sugest some other super match ups.

You want wise cracking? You want super? You want Green Arrow? Well then you want:
Ryan Reynolds! He's perfect...let's move on.

This next one came to me in a dream...
Yes thats Mr. Terrific...his super power? He is good at EVERYTHING! He's the superhero version of that guy who was both student body president and captain of the football team. That movie would be awesome. Starring:
TV's Ben Browder. How do I come up with them? I DON'T KNOW! NEXT!

LOBO! yeah I know...tis unconventional, but I would go with:

Yep, The Transporter himself, jason Statham.

And as Mr. Mxi...Myx...That guy:

Lou Ferrigno! Now I know that seems like a weird one, but I met him in real life and he is only 3 feet tall.

So leave comments with your own suggestions, or just to say how great/stupid mine are.

Oh those Duke boys!

2005-07-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

The Dukes of Hazzard...hmmmm. Its weird, but some part of me is very much looking forward to that movie. That same part of me loved Jackass: The Movie and that part in Walking Tall where the Rock beats up 47 guys with a 4 by 4. It must be stated now, I love crappy movies. I am proud to say it. One of my top ten favorites ever is Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. I have learned to celebrate crappy movies.

I was starting to be a little down on this movie because...well... Cooter didn't like it:

"It's one thing to do whatever movie they want to do, but to take a classic family showand do that is like taking 'I Love Lucy' and making her a crackhead or something."

Oooo pretty scathing! He went on to write an open letter to the public:

"From all I have seen and heard, the 'Dukes' movie is a sleazy insult to all of us who have cared about the 'Dukes of Hazzard' for so long," Jones wrote. "Unless they clean it up before the August fifth release date I would strongly recommend that true blue Dukes fans hold their noses and pass this one up."

Now I became curious as to who these "true blue fans" were, so I decided to interview some. Unfortunately, I was chased out of their yard by pitbulls as the buckshot nipped at my heels.

Then, I uncovered a shocking secret! The script was revised by BROKEN LIZARD! You may remember BL as the guys who brought you Super Troopers and Club Dread. Well, that was very exciting news.

So, to be honest, yes I look forward to this movie. (stop reading children under 12, spoiler ahead) I look forward to it in the same way I look forward to Christmas now that I know Santa isn't real. The magic is gone, but they still spent alot of money to try to give me what I wanted. So suck it up and accept that this one had to be a bit racier because, last time I checked, IT ISN'T 1979 ANYMORE! Times and tastes have changed. So just sit back and wait out the 2 weeks that Dukes of Hazzard will be in theatres and then go see March of the Penguins.

An Ode to Cooter...

2005-07-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Look at him...
Just look at him!
Surely this is the face of a god,
the image men think of when they hear
COOTER
softly whispered through the annals of history.
Who doesn't love Cooter?
Who doesn't love to see Cooter?
The delightful aroma that wafts from Cooter's skin
after a long day tooling around
on the Duke boys car
The taste of Cooter's
fresh baked muffins, made with love
every morning
Surely he will always be remembered
as the biggest Cooter of all time.

Cooter
1979-1985
Gone... but not forgotten

Woot

2005-07-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

I don't like to brag, but thats a lie because I DO in fact like to brag. My site got reviewed by 4yoinfo.com and it was a pretty shining review:

"looking over this site to review it was hysterical. this guy travis is probably one of the funniest people running a blog that i have seen in a while. i dont really get where the hugmonsters come from, but hey, it works." -Mo

And so on and so forth. If you wanna read the rest of it check out: http://4yoinfo.com/reviewed/thehugmonster.htm

Wow, I feel like the prettiest princess.

-Travis

Seriously folks

2005-07-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am going to use my oodles of newfound fame and popularity to pimp upcoming movies that I am excited about that you may not have heard of:

The Chumscrubber: The Chumscrubber is a darkly satiric story about life crumbling in the midst of a seemingly idyllic suburbia.

V for Vendetta: A shadowy freedom fighter known only as "V" uses terrorist tactics to fight against his totalitarian society. Upon rescuing a girl from the secret police, he also finds his best chance at having an ally.

Mirrormask:MirrorMask centers on Helena, a 15 year old girl in a family of circus entertainers, who often wishes she could run off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother's major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked inhabitants. All is not well in this new world - the white queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the MirrorMask, and it's up to Helena to find it. But as her adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she's in a dream, or something far more sinister. (This one is in association with the people who brought you Dark Crystal, Jim Henson studios)

The Memory of a Killer: Ok all the ones before this I have lifted blurbs from IMDB because I have not of course SEEN these movies, only the trailers. But this movie does not seem to be listed on IMDB. Then I found it under some weird foreign title so heres the blurb: Vincke (Koen De Bouw) and Verstuyft (Werner De Smedt) are one of the best detective teams of the Antwerp police force. When they are confronted with the disappearance of a top official and the murder of two prostitutes, the trail leads to the almost retired assassin Angelo Ledda (Jan Decleir). Since Ledda starts showing symptoms of Alzheimer's, it's getting more and more difficult to complete his contracts. When he has to murder a 12-year old call-girl, he refuses and becomes a target himself. While Vincke and Verstuyft are chasing him and counting the corpses, Ledda is taking care of his employers.

Broken Flowers: The new kickin Bill Murray jam. As the devoutly single Don Johnston (Murray) is dumped by his latest girlfriend (Delpy), he receives a anonymous pink letter informing him that he has a son who may be looking for him. The situation causes Don to examine his relationships with women instead of moving on to the next one, and he embarks on a cross-country search for his old flames who might possess clues to the mystery at hand.

Do you like Wet Hot American Summer? Do you like Stella Comedy? Then you'll love:

The Baxter: In the style of a Howard Hawks comedy, Baxter follows the twists and turns of a young man's life during the two weeks before his wedding. And this here movie is directed by and starring Micheal Showalter of Stella fame, also in this one is David Wain and Micheal Ian Black (also in Stella). ( Also Paul Rudd and othe Wet Hot American Summer cast members)

Well thats all the really interesting new trailers that I saw. Not the funniest post I know but really go to www.apple.com and check out those trailers. They're worth it.

XXX: GREAT of the Union!

2005-07-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know who knows this, but I work in a movie theatre. This allows me the oppurtunity to watch bits and pieces of movies I would otherwise not pay to see. My first week working there I was lucky enough to see bits and pieces of a film called XXX: State of the Union. Don't let the name fool you friend, this is not a sequel to the hit porno The Oral Office. This is infact a sequel to the hit action movie/porno XXX starring Vin Diesel. Does this one star Vin-Vin you ask? No no, thats not the XXX way, its too predictable. Lets see who can we get to fill in for Vinny D while he is busy making The Pacifier?
Ladies and gentlemen...Ice Cube. He could honestly be Vin Diesel's twin. Watching him chubbily fight terrorists is a sight to be hold. He has an acting style which is unmatched in american cinema. I call it "bitch acting". What is this revolutionary approach? Well I believe it was created by the Actors' Studio, basically you say every line with an inflection that implies a silent "bitch" at the end of every sentence. Let me give you an example:
Darius (Ice Cube): The first tank-jacking in history.
Would be read as:
Darius (Still Ice Cube): The first tank-jacking in history...bitch.

Ok now here is the unbelievable part. This movie ALSO stars Samuel L. Jackson and... WILLEM DAFOE! Ok I know they said it in all the previews and stuff but I didn't truely believe he would do it until I saw it on the big screen. Holy God, what was he thinking? I am not gonna say he saves the movie, but he does his best. Its like he found the movie bleeding by the side of the road in the rain. He attempted mouth to mouth and CPR, but it was hopeless. So he held the movie close to him and told it not to cry, everything would be alright...even after it had turned cold in his arms. Onlookers wept for the futility of his actions, but agreed there was nothing more he could have done.
Yeah it was kinda like that.

Willem before XXX:

Willem after XXX:

Outside my normal realm of knowledge...

2005-07-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am not really a video game expert. Most of the time I play tetris or that playboy mansion game...for the articles...
Ok but the point is, I found a video game that NEEDS to become a movie. I am not really sure how the transition occurs. Its something to do with rainbows, wishes, and a super collider. They have been perfecting the method for a couple years now. their have been some failures (Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon, Final Fantasy Spirits Within) but I have the FOOL PROOF game.

GITAROO MAN!

Say it, go on, say it! No one's around...did you say it? Doesn't it flow off the tongue like the honey of a virgin flower? Ok here's the skinny:

Gitaroo-Man follows the story of a young elementary student named U-1, a lonely loser with no self-confidence and no friends, save for his jelly-bean-headed talking dog, Puma. U-1 comes to learn that he is the heir to the title of the legendary Gitaroo-Man, an intergalactic superhero who uses the power of his gitaroo to defend the universe against evil. An evil alien race known as the Gravillians has been going around, collecting gitaroos in a bid to take over the universe, and it would seem that U-1 and Puma are the keepers of the only gitaroo the Gravillians haven't acquired. So U-1 travels around the universe, fighting a bizarre cast of Gravillian warriors in order to reclaim these magical instruments for the planet Gitaroo. Along the way, he'll learn about believing in himself, falling in love, and the true nature of music. The story is sometimes cheesy and always strange, but it's delivered with the utmost sincerity, and it concludes with an incredibly satisfying climax.

Sweet huh? A game all about rockin out! Soooo a MOVIE about rockin out! Ok here's some character suggestions:

YES! Jack Black as Guitaroo Man! I know I know, tis too sweet!
But it CAN BE DONE!

Yes thats the beautiful Rachel Leigh Cook as the love interest/rocker girl.

Kyle Gass of Tenacious D fame as the voice of the wise cracking sidekick! Ok now this next one is PROBABLY my favorite:

"Of course!" You scream as you smack your head, "the lead singer from The Darkness as the creepy organ guy! How could I have missed it!?" Well don't beat yourself up about it you would have gotten there eventually. Hey, don't cry...seriously stop. Ok well thats all I could come up with. But golly that movie would rock my socks off.

I said brrr its cold in here...

2005-07-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you have noticed but it is a summer of remakes. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Dukes of Hazard, King Kong, and Honeymooners. But I am afraid that the "jew run media" has missed the mark. A movie was released 5 years ago and it was completely missed. It needs to be remade now! That movie is Dungeons and Dragons.

It is apparently based on a board game played in dank moldy garages by virgins. I watched this movie when I was a young lad of 16 and I wept. If you were one of the millions of sad SOBs who missed this movie, let me break it down for you:
The Empire of Izmer has long been a divided land. The Mages - an elite group of magic users - rule whilst the lowly commoners are powerless. Izmer's young Empress, Savina (Thora Birch), wants equality and prosperity for all, but the evil Mage Profion (Jeremy Irons) is plotting to depose her, and establish his own rule. The Empress possesses a scepter which controls Izmer's Golden Dragons. To challenge her rule, Profion must have the scepter, and tricks the Council of Mages into believing Savina is unfit to hold it. Knowing that Profion will bring death and destruction to Izmer, Savina, must find the legendary Rod of Savrille, a mythical rod that has the power to control Red Dragons, a species even mightier than the Gold. Enter two thieves, Ridley (Justin Whalin) and Snails (Marlon Wayans), who unwittingly become instrumental in Savina's search for the Rod. Joined by a feisty Dwarf named Elwood (Lee Arenberg), and helped by the Empress's expert tracker, the Elf Norda (Kristen Wilson), the young heroes go in search of the Rod of Savrille. From the deadly maze of the Thieves Guild at Antius to an Elven Village, secret grotto and abandoned castles, Ridley and his band must outwit Profion's chief henchman Damodar (Bruce Payne) at every turn while back in Izmer, Profion prepares to do battle with the Empress. All depends on the Rod, but outcome of the race to reach it first is far from certain, and Izmar's very survival hangs in the balance.

As you can see it is a classic tale of love and loss. A tear jerking maturation slash raucous comedy. Except instead of love and loss Marlon Wayons and Jeremy Irons. With witty and quick dialogue such as:
Profion: Not so talented eh, Mr Ridley!

And the classic exchange: (its funnier if you read Snails lines in your best Marlon Wayons impression and Ridleys lines in the delightful timbre of the dreamy Justin Whalin)
Ridley: We gotta save Marina.
Snails: Wait. What about the dwarf?
Ridley: You get the dwarf. I get the girl.
Snails: Wait, how come I always got to get the dwarf?

Starring big names like Thora Birch and of course the dreamy Justin Whalin.
The only thing wrong with this movie in my opinion was that it was too short. Why does LOTR get to be so epic? They should have shaved an hour of Fellowship and slapped it into DandD!

Pirates Arrrrrrr Sweet

2005-07-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am just gonna throw this out there. I hate Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah thats right! I hate him and I hate Pedro too. The guy who says, "Give me some chips" isn't bad.
Now before the beatings begin let me explain. It was funny, it was different, and gosh darn it, it was cute! Then the nation collectively "voted for pedro" and I puked. Everyone started doing there best Napoleon impression and wearing vote for pedro shirts. Everybody's ruined it! They ruined christmas!
Plus Anchorman was WAY better.